Red Flags! Stay Away!
Red flags mean danger. Danger causes harm. Great hurt can be caused by what seems to be the most benign thing. The Trojan horse led the Greeks to victory by entering the city of Troy undetected under the guise of a “gift” that ended in tragedy for the citizens within the gates.
When we begin a relationship we navigate, or rather negotiate, the surrender of our deepest defenses by someone who claims to care for us. Courtship requires some vulnerability from both sides and relationships that are built on trust need to have some level of vulnerability. When we are vulnerable and we know it, we remain careful, but what about when we think that our hearts are invincible, or we believe too quickly that they really care for us? That’s when hearts get destroyed.
Here are some Red Flags in the dating world. When you see these red flags, keep your guard up and ask them to give you space. Test the waters more to make sure that whatever these red flags are, they cannot harm your heart.
Red Flag #1 Head-over-heels
If you are beginning a relationship and someone claims that they have fallen head over heels for you overnight, ask them for some space. This can be the classic sign of a dependent personality that needs your approval and support to have self-worth. If they start to obsess over where you are or what you are doing, if they begin texting and calling you in the morning and in the evening, or even show the bubble (…) that they are trying to text you with something often, its a red flag. Back up. Take a break. Ask for space.
Red Flag #2 Constant negativity
Happy people are fun to be around, while negative people can be a struggle. Constant negativity can be a drain on your self-worth. If they find the bad in everything/everyone, they are probably going to start doing the same to you in your relationship. You need someone who is willing to see the good in people and things, because whatever they see in other people, they will see in you.
You cannot let someone’s negativity drag you down, and you certainly need to be on guard with someone who always seems negative. If on your first few dates you hear them complaining about their job at work, their boss, their friends and family, then be on guard.
Red Flag #3 Out of Control emotions
Emotional maturity takes some people a lifetime to develop. We must have some control over our emotions if we want to have effective, reasonable relationships. Emotionally immature people often express their emotions without restraint or express their feelings in an inappropriate manner or time. If you meet someone who lacks emotional maturity — they fly off the handle at the slightest thing, they cry because they spilled their milk, they get upset and jealous that you were courteous to someone passing by — then perhaps they need time before they can enter into a relationship.
Red Flag #4 Any violence
Too many young women suffer from “intimate partner violence”. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV):
1 in 4 women and 1 in 9 men experience severe intimate partner physical violence, intimate partner contact sexual violence, and/or intimate partner stalking with impacts such as injury, fearfulness, post-traumatic stress disorder, use of victim services, contraction of sexually transmitted diseases, etc.2
1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men have experienced some form of physical violence by an intimate partner. This includes a range of behaviors (e.g. slapping, shoving, pushing) and in some cases might not be considered "domestic violence." 1
1 in 7 women and 1 in 25 men have been injured by an intimate partner.1
Domestic Violence under any circumstances must be avoided. Vulnerable intimacy must come with the assurance that your partner, boyfriend/girlfriend, will protect you. Violence of any kind — verbal, physical, sexual — does harm. Get out. There should be no second-chances with violence, especially in the dating world. If you have been a victim, you deserve care, not a recurrence of violence.
Red flag #5 You NEED them
If you need anyone in a relationship, or they claim to need you, take a break. We cannot fix someone who is broken, we cannot make someone whole because we were their missing piece. Relationships grow when two people have something to give. If someone needs you, that means that they are on the take. You cannot make someone happier or better because you are in a relationship with them. If in dating someone claims that by losing you they will “fall apart” then they were never put-together enough for you in the first place. We must be of sound mind and heart before we can be in a serious relationship. Needing someone to be there to make someone whole is a dangerous and toxic trait in any relationship. Take a break.
